Melancholy Memories
Jun. 15th, 2025 06:43 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
sinanjuI hadn't posted to this journal in about seven years until the other day. So I went back to the archives and started re-reading all my posts from the beginning. I've only gotten through about a year and half so far, but it's...sad.
I see posts from the days when Snippy and I were happy. I see me talking about that. I see comments she made on my posts, joking sometimes, offering sympathy or encouragement or insights sometimes. I see posts I made about dealing with raising the kids, cars or appliances breaking down, about health--the kids or Snippy or me, or some combination of us being sick. I see posts about dealing her mother's terminal illness and death. I see posts about being tired, worn down, ill, stressed and dealing with it.
Posts about life, because that's all that was. Things often didn't go smoothly. But we were happy. I loved her. She loved ME. And somewhere along the way, we lost that. And I regret that very much, and feel guilty for not being the partner she needed, for making her feel eventually that her life would be better without me in it. (And I know from things she said since our divorce, that I'm not alone in that.) It's just heartbreaking to read those posts from a guy who had no idea that in fourteen years he'd be separated and living alone again, and eventually divorced.
I'm remarried now, and I'm very happy with her. And if that first marriage had worked out, I'd never have met her. But I'm also aware that I felt that way the first time and I let complacency steal it from me. I could have been a better husband. It's a strong motivation to make sure I don't let that happen again.
I see posts from the days when Snippy and I were happy. I see me talking about that. I see comments she made on my posts, joking sometimes, offering sympathy or encouragement or insights sometimes. I see posts I made about dealing with raising the kids, cars or appliances breaking down, about health--the kids or Snippy or me, or some combination of us being sick. I see posts about dealing her mother's terminal illness and death. I see posts about being tired, worn down, ill, stressed and dealing with it.
Posts about life, because that's all that was. Things often didn't go smoothly. But we were happy. I loved her. She loved ME. And somewhere along the way, we lost that. And I regret that very much, and feel guilty for not being the partner she needed, for making her feel eventually that her life would be better without me in it. (And I know from things she said since our divorce, that I'm not alone in that.) It's just heartbreaking to read those posts from a guy who had no idea that in fourteen years he'd be separated and living alone again, and eventually divorced.
I'm remarried now, and I'm very happy with her. And if that first marriage had worked out, I'd never have met her. But I'm also aware that I felt that way the first time and I let complacency steal it from me. I could have been a better husband. It's a strong motivation to make sure I don't let that happen again.