I am NOT deaf--and I can prove it!

That's right, I have evidence in the form of a hearing test conducted just today!

See, my lovely and talented wife has been gently riding me for a couple of years now about my alleged deafness. And I'll cop to frequently missing bits of dialogue on television when we're watching something together, so her mild annoyance at my often saying, "What?" or "What did he say?" is understandable. Fortunately we watch most everything via Tivo, so we don't miss anything--we can back it up to replay what I missed, or what we both missed while she repeats the dialogue I didn't catch.

I've always had difficulty picking out the lyrics of songs on the radio. There are countless songs that I've heard hundreds of times over the years and I still don't know the lyrics. Or maybe I know a chorus or two, but otherwise? Only if the lyrics are incredibly repetitive or I listen really, really hard and concentrate on trying to decipher the words can I generally make them out.

Ditto for following a conversation at a party or any other venue where there's a lot of other conversation going on around me. I suppose everyone has a little difficulty with that, but--again--I have to listen really, really hard to follow the conversation. I often feel like I'm a step behind, just figuring out what the last sentence was as the conversation moves on. Not surprisingly, that's pretty tiring if you keep it up for long--and probably one of the reasons I've never been a big fan of parties.*

But in the last year or two it seems to have gotten a little worse. I still felt that I could hear faint sounds; I suspected that I was having trouble processing what I heard, parsing the words, since it's following conversation or song lyrics that gives me the most trouble. So I asked my doctor about a hearing test and she referred me. The test was this morning.

I spoke to the audiologist for a few minutes. I'd filled out a questionnaire before the appointment. Did you know that going gray early or having to have intravenous antibiotics are possible indicators of hearing loss? Neither did I. Did I mention that my family gets gray early? (The hair turns gray but it don't fall out--I can live with that.) And I've twice had to get intravenous antibiotics for a skin infection the name of which currently escapes me. She looked in each ear with that light gadget familiar to anyone who's visited the doctor. Then she put a tiny earpiece in each ear that tested my eardrums and middle ear to make sure they were performing properly (and they were). No punctures, no flaws in the ear drum, proper fluid pressure in the middle ear, etc.

Anyhow...eventually she had me sit in the isolation booth with earphones in place and a switch in my hand like a contestant on Jeopardy. When I heard the three beeps I was to push the button. We went through a series of increasingly faint beeps at various frequencies, first in one ear and then in the other. Then she put an earphone behind one ear and I had to push the button when I heard the beeps over a background hiss that varied in volume and pitch. Then we did the same for the other ear.

Then it was time to listen to a recording of a man's voice speaking a series of words. I was to repeat them aloud. The first set were played at low volume and, as I expected, I couldn't make out some of them. We did this for each ear. Then she played a series of one-syllable words at normal speaking volume (again, for each ear).

And that was it. Then we discussed the results. It turns out that my right ear has a normal range of hearing. My left ear has a mild loss in the low frequency range, but otherwise is also normal. I did better on the word recognition test than I'd thought--96% on the left and 100% on the right.

That asymmetry of results concerned her. It should come as no surprise that one's hearing should generally be pretty much the same in both ears. She said it was not the result of exposure to loud noises--that would have resulted in a loss in the higher frequency range. It's a nerve problem; i.e., there's no medication or surgery that could correct it (not that it's severe enough that it would be necessary anyhow).

So, overall, we established that my hearing is fine--aside from the one minor problem. We discussed my perception, that I have difficulty with song lyrics and conversation. The audiologist allowed as how it might be a processing issue (as I'd suspected); that my ears were picking up the sounds but I was having trouble processing the words. She told me that the Hearing & Speech Institute could test for that if I wanted to pursue it.

I don't think I will. While this should be covered by my insurance, I doubt that would be. Plus, I've had that trouble all my life and it doesn't seem to be a serious problem, nor does it seem to be growing worse--or not quickly. If it took this long to become an issue, it's not a high priority. Still, she recommends that I get my hearing tested annually now to make sure the hearing loss in my left ear isn't getting worse. (And establishing this baseline to measure future results against is one of the reasons I asked for this test.)

So, to sum up. Not deaf. Only a slight loss in the lowest frequency ranges in one ear.

So my lovely and talented wife will no longer accuse me of being deaf. She will, instead, claim that I have brain (nerve) damage.....

*Other than, you know, that whole introvert thing. Those damn extroverts get charged up by being in big crowds and socializing. They wear me down. Sometimes it's worth the effort--but it is an effort, as opposed to something exciting and energizing, as it is for some. Having to really work at following conversations just makes it harder.